[ She almost pulls her hand away but just bites back a sigh, instead. She's had nightmares ever since she woke up next to a dead man in her apartment. But those nightmares hadn't compared to the ones where Fisk finds her and crushes her skull in with his bare hands. Sometimes he strangles her. Every time she dies.
Or at least it seems that way in the dream before she wakes up, screaming and trying to fight off the phantom that isn't there.
She knows what it's like. She knows more than she would ever want to admit. But all she can do is shake her head again. ]
I don't like it when my concern gets brushed off. That happens enough with people I care about. Getting kinda sick of it.
[ Back home and now here. She can't even escape this shit in another universe. Granted, that wasn't the real gripe here, though it seems to be a more prevalent thing with the kind of company she keeps. But she's not willing to admit Poe touched a very raw and active nerve. ]
[ He gets up, taking her other hand in his. ] I’m not brushing it off—I’m not trying to brush it off.
[ God, he’s tired. He looks down at Karen’s hands, running his thumbs over her knuckles. ] It’s just. We’re at war. This is life. We don’t have a choice. It has to be okay.
[ We, always we, without a second thought. He still feels like a stranger on this moon, even though there are people who know his routines. There's a bar with a stool that stays unoccupied for him in the evenings. There's a grocery store where one particular clerk sees him coming and points out the freshest fruit. He knows people, he's made friends, and still.
Still, he feels like he's waiting for an order to come in. He's waiting for the sound of TIE fighters screaming over the city. He's waiting for everyone else to realize the fight is still out there, the fight is going to find them, they need to be ready.
Sometimes he only feels sane around Finn and Rey. ]
[ She looks at him and then their hands. It hurts how similar this sounds to Matt or Frank. There's always a war or a mission or a fight to fight. And while she has her own in Hell's Kitchen, this just... what is she suppose to say to that?
There's no war here?
She knows better than most how demons will follow you everywhere you go. And Poe was a soldier. Those kind of demons may never go away.
What about after the war?
What business does she have asking something like that? Especially of a war she isn't even apart of. She can't really bring herself to look at him. Her voice is quiet even in the silence of the apartment. ]
Just because you're used to it, that doesn't make it 'okay'.
[ The only thing she can say with certainty and experience. ]
[ Poe lifts her hands, then stops, not sure what he was planning on doing. Kissing her knuckles? No. He just stares at her hands like they'll give him an answer or something else to say.
He's not sure how to exist in a world where he's admitted that he's not all right. It means admitting that Hosnian Prime is gone, that he's been tortured physically and mentally not once now, but twice. His uncle got shot down trying to save his life. His friends are dead and more will die. He lives in a landscape of chaos and violence and somehow--
Somehow, it's become okay.
He raises her hands and presses his face against the backs of her fingers. ]
I have to be okay, Karen. [ She smells like her pillow, he thinks, stupidly. ] Just. Until it's over, all right?
[ She looks back at him when he moves her hands but remains silent. As much as she wants to help him, they are from two different worlds. Two different walks of life. Even with all the similarities they share in experiences, in personality, it feels like there's this chasm between them. Something she's not sure she's ever going to be able to cross.
It's when he presses his face to her fingers like that that she feels she needs to try. Even if she has nothing of value to offer. She's no soldier, no genius or fighter. She's just... her.
She moves forward and wraps her arms around him again, pulling him into another hug. ]
I just--I wish I could help more.
[ Because God knows she can't help her own nightmares disappear. She wishes she could at least do right by someone else. Especially someone as good as Poe was. ]
[ This time, at least, he doesn't flinch from the hug. He wishes he could return some of what she's given him, the steady support and understanding.
(There's that voice again, that demand to be better than this, to pull himself together, the hissing reprimand that lives are at stake and he can't afford to come to pieces like this. They're his responsibility, and he's primed to fail them all.)
He feels a little like Karen is the only thing holding him up, or holding him down. Just like Finn in the hospital: she's keeping him in the present.
Mumbled into the cloth of her shirt: ] You help more than enough.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2017-12-25 09:29 pm (UTC)Or at least it seems that way in the dream before she wakes up, screaming and trying to fight off the phantom that isn't there.
She knows what it's like. She knows more than she would ever want to admit. But all she can do is shake her head again. ]
I don't like it when my concern gets brushed off. That happens enough with people I care about. Getting kinda sick of it.
[ Back home and now here. She can't even escape this shit in another universe. Granted, that wasn't the real gripe here, though it seems to be a more prevalent thing with the kind of company she keeps. But she's not willing to admit Poe touched a very raw and active nerve. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 01:26 am (UTC)[ God, he’s tired. He looks down at Karen’s hands, running his thumbs over her knuckles. ] It’s just. We’re at war. This is life. We don’t have a choice. It has to be okay.
[ We, always we, without a second thought. He still feels like a stranger on this moon, even though there are people who know his routines. There's a bar with a stool that stays unoccupied for him in the evenings. There's a grocery store where one particular clerk sees him coming and points out the freshest fruit. He knows people, he's made friends, and still.
Still, he feels like he's waiting for an order to come in. He's waiting for the sound of TIE fighters screaming over the city. He's waiting for everyone else to realize the fight is still out there, the fight is going to find them, they need to be ready.
Sometimes he only feels sane around Finn and Rey. ]
We're at war.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 03:22 am (UTC)There's no war here?
She knows better than most how demons will follow you everywhere you go. And Poe was a soldier. Those kind of demons may never go away.
What about after the war?
What business does she have asking something like that? Especially of a war she isn't even apart of. She can't really bring herself to look at him. Her voice is quiet even in the silence of the apartment. ]
Just because you're used to it, that doesn't make it 'okay'.
[ The only thing she can say with certainty and experience. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 06:11 am (UTC)He's not sure how to exist in a world where he's admitted that he's not all right. It means admitting that Hosnian Prime is gone, that he's been tortured physically and mentally not once now, but twice. His uncle got shot down trying to save his life. His friends are dead and more will die. He lives in a landscape of chaos and violence and somehow--
Somehow, it's become okay.
He raises her hands and presses his face against the backs of her fingers. ]
I have to be okay, Karen. [ She smells like her pillow, he thinks, stupidly. ] Just. Until it's over, all right?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-26 07:51 am (UTC)It's when he presses his face to her fingers like that that she feels she needs to try. Even if she has nothing of value to offer. She's no soldier, no genius or fighter. She's just... her.
She moves forward and wraps her arms around him again, pulling him into another hug. ]
I just--I wish I could help more.
[ Because God knows she can't help her own nightmares disappear. She wishes she could at least do right by someone else. Especially someone as good as Poe was. ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-27 12:44 am (UTC)(There's that voice again, that demand to be better than this, to pull himself together, the hissing reprimand that lives are at stake and he can't afford to come to pieces like this. They're his responsibility, and he's primed to fail them all.)
He feels a little like Karen is the only thing holding him up, or holding him down. Just like Finn in the hospital: she's keeping him in the present.
Mumbled into the cloth of her shirt: ] You help more than enough.