[ Finn expects disappointment. He expects-- not to lose a friend exactly, because that's Poe, but to lose something from that friendship wouldn't surprise him. It wouldn't say anything against Poe if something changed because of that, it would just...
It would just be something he had coming.
When he explained it to Rey on Takodana, they both wound up pushing a little, and he wound up walking away without her, and a lot of things after that happened very quickly. There was no time for still silence, for reading the lines of her face as she processed in full. She was gone when he turned to look back. If the lying disappointed her, if leaving disappointed her, and he's sure one or both of those things did because he could tell in the moments that they did get. By the time he'd seen her again she was willing to leave it behind them.
(What matters is what happens after that, Poe says, and he wonders if that's the way Rey felt, too.)
Every cell in his body is lit up right now, frenzied and transparent. There's nothing he can push down that won't bleed through.
Finn expects disappointment.
He doesn't find it, and that discovery takes him aback. He couldn't have laid it out more clearly. What he is. What he's never been. He expected something to run from and there's nothing to run from. He expected to be saying he's sorry for something, and apologies sit on his tongue unused. He finds understanding. Someone who says without hesitation that it's okay even if it's just one person that matters, and someone who still seems to think bravery has anything to do with it.
Finn almost argues. Wants to try to push, to get across what Poe doesn't understand yet. And if he did get it across, maybe Poe would understand some things are conditional, and it's just the way they are. In some things, you're good enough or you're not and that's the end of it, and he'd rather hear it sooner over later.
He stares at Poe like he's waiting for something, sharp. Eventually he realizes that whatever he's waiting for isn't coming. And Finn can't make himself argue for it to come. ]
-- okay. [ He considers taking this as something new to learn the controls of, instead: in the moment it has all the same adrenaline and unblinking terror of taking a gunner's seat for the first time, and he can use that to shift his thoughts from I'm calm to I can do this. Tries to use it to wrangle his breathing back into control.
What matters is what happens after that.
It's not a bad compromise for two different ways of thinking. He can afford to think that. Maybe about a few other things. ]
no subject
It would just be something he had coming.
When he explained it to Rey on Takodana, they both wound up pushing a little, and he wound up walking away without her, and a lot of things after that happened very quickly. There was no time for still silence, for reading the lines of her face as she processed in full. She was gone when he turned to look back. If the lying disappointed her, if leaving disappointed her, and he's sure one or both of those things did because he could tell in the moments that they did get. By the time he'd seen her again she was willing to leave it behind them.
(What matters is what happens after that, Poe says, and he wonders if that's the way Rey felt, too.)
Every cell in his body is lit up right now, frenzied and transparent. There's nothing he can push down that won't bleed through.
Finn expects disappointment.
He doesn't find it, and that discovery takes him aback. He couldn't have laid it out more clearly. What he is. What he's never been. He expected something to run from and there's nothing to run from. He expected to be saying he's sorry for something, and apologies sit on his tongue unused. He finds understanding. Someone who says without hesitation that it's okay even if it's just one person that matters, and someone who still seems to think bravery has anything to do with it.
Finn almost argues. Wants to try to push, to get across what Poe doesn't understand yet. And if he did get it across, maybe Poe would understand some things are conditional, and it's just the way they are. In some things, you're good enough or you're not and that's the end of it, and he'd rather hear it sooner over later.
He stares at Poe like he's waiting for something, sharp. Eventually he realizes that whatever he's waiting for isn't coming. And Finn can't make himself argue for it to come. ]
-- okay. [ He considers taking this as something new to learn the controls of, instead: in the moment it has all the same adrenaline and unblinking terror of taking a gunner's seat for the first time, and he can use that to shift his thoughts from I'm calm to I can do this. Tries to use it to wrangle his breathing back into control.
What matters is what happens after that.
It's not a bad compromise for two different ways of thinking. He can afford to think that. Maybe about a few other things. ]
Okay.