[ Rey doesn't run, either. It shouldn't hurt to hear something that he knew already. If they can't run, it means he won't. This is where his loyalty lies, and he'll hold to that loyalty with both hands if it kills him. It was part of what turned his fear into anger on Starkiller, part of what made him walk towards Kylo Ren instead of away.
Finn bows his head. He tries to dredge up an honesty that makes sense. An explanation. ]
You know, the first time I couldn't shoot on command, I thought something was wrong with me? I thought it was something I had to fix. I wanted to fix it.
[ He's tired of words leaving him on edge. He's tired of the First Order inevitably being a stain on every single good thing that he finds, everything he tries to do, of feeling like a liar no matter what he does. He hates living in the irrational certainty that it won't ever stop throwing a shadow over those things. That no matter how far he runs, he'll never actually get away. ]
I've been trying to run since Jakku, Poe. When I figured out the problem wasn't me, all I did was get scared and try to get as far away as I could. I didn't leave because I found some better cause to die for. I didn't wanna make it out because I planned to jump onto the other side of the same war to fight them. I didn't stop to think about the galaxy. I'm not-- I'm not like that.
[ Not that brave. Not that good. ]
Everything that came out of that was luck.
[ He's not ashamed of that. Ashamed that he's not ashamed, maybe, but he did what he did. There's no changing it. He did what he felt like he needed to do, with no one to answer to and no hangups about whether it meant he's evil or good or whatever the hell categories people fall into.
Running worked out terribly in the long run, objectively, because he wound up on the First Order's most powerful weapon fighting a dude with a lightsaber? But it also worked out pretty well because of what he has now.
Finn looks back up, finally. ]
Anytime you both stay, I'll stay. If it's real. We're in this together. But I can't promise I won't ask you to run first every time.
[ Stormtroopers aren't raised to have hope. He found that feeling for himself when Poe Dameron looked up and said I can fly anything. They don't have anything to lose but their lives, which they're told they're obligated to throw away as needed. But he found that feeling for the first time with Rey, with whatever it is that they saw in each other.
Now Rey and Poe both give him hope. Now they're both something he can lose. And that's a form of power over him, the kind that Finn freely gives. Out of anyone in the galaxy, he thinks, Rey and Poe have proved over and over that they won't try to use it as a weapon against him. He can make it into a weapon against himself just by not wanting to leave that behind.
He can make it into a weapon against the things that threaten it.
He can't visualize a point where running isn't the first thing that comes into his mind, though. If he looks lesser for that, so be it. ]
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Date: 2017-12-09 07:22 pm (UTC)Finn bows his head. He tries to dredge up an honesty that makes sense. An explanation. ]
You know, the first time I couldn't shoot on command, I thought something was wrong with me? I thought it was something I had to fix. I wanted to fix it.
[ He's tired of words leaving him on edge. He's tired of the First Order inevitably being a stain on every single good thing that he finds, everything he tries to do, of feeling like a liar no matter what he does. He hates living in the irrational certainty that it won't ever stop throwing a shadow over those things. That no matter how far he runs, he'll never actually get away. ]
I've been trying to run since Jakku, Poe. When I figured out the problem wasn't me, all I did was get scared and try to get as far away as I could. I didn't leave because I found some better cause to die for. I didn't wanna make it out because I planned to jump onto the other side of the same war to fight them. I didn't stop to think about the galaxy. I'm not-- I'm not like that.
[ Not that brave. Not that good. ]
Everything that came out of that was luck.
[ He's not ashamed of that. Ashamed that he's not ashamed, maybe, but he did what he did. There's no changing it. He did what he felt like he needed to do, with no one to answer to and no hangups about whether it meant he's evil or good or whatever the hell categories people fall into.
Running worked out terribly in the long run, objectively, because he wound up on the First Order's most powerful weapon fighting a dude with a lightsaber? But it also worked out pretty well because of what he has now.
Finn looks back up, finally. ]
Anytime you both stay, I'll stay. If it's real. We're in this together. But I can't promise I won't ask you to run first every time.
[ Stormtroopers aren't raised to have hope. He found that feeling for himself when Poe Dameron looked up and said I can fly anything. They don't have anything to lose but their lives, which they're told they're obligated to throw away as needed. But he found that feeling for the first time with Rey, with whatever it is that they saw in each other.
Now Rey and Poe both give him hope. Now they're both something he can lose. And that's a form of power over him, the kind that Finn freely gives. Out of anyone in the galaxy, he thinks, Rey and Poe have proved over and over that they won't try to use it as a weapon against him. He can make it into a weapon against himself just by not wanting to leave that behind.
He can make it into a weapon against the things that threaten it.
He can't visualize a point where running isn't the first thing that comes into his mind, though. If he looks lesser for that, so be it. ]